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Guest Column: Aunt Maisie (humor)
March 3, 2011

Ask Aunt Maisie
 Old-fashioned advice for the 21st century

by Aunt Maisie (humor)
fitzgerald griffin foundation


Dear Aunt Maisie:
My husband and I are planning a long road trip with our two small children to visit my parents in Poughkeepsie. What can you recommend to help make the journey safe and enjoyable?
— Harassed

Dear H:
Besides the usual food treats and travel games, an appropriate dose of Valium, OxyContin, or similar sedative does wonders to quiet the little monsters down. Ask your pediatrician or local street dealer for a prescription. Whiskey diluted with apple juice, while easy to obtain and administer, is rather erratic in its effects and can lead to an excessive number of restroom stops.

Nowadays, of course, the danger of being "Tasered" by overeager police on the highway is a growing problem. For that reason I strongly advise wearing OK Industries's Anti-Taser Vest while traveling. Available in both child and adult sizes, XS to XXXL, for only $29.95, this lightweight and comfortable Kevlar undergarment protects the chest and abdomen not only from Taser darts but also from knives, shivs, ice picks, small-caliber pistol rounds, and other hazards you and your family might encounter along the way. Happy travels!

Dear Aunt Maisie:
My son Murgatroyd is in 6th grade at a public elementary school. Today he told me he has a new girlfriend. Is a 12-year-old too young to be thinking about things like that?
— Proud Parent

Dear PP:
I'm afraid you have a serious problem on your hands. Any attempt, however innocent, by Murgatroyd to touch, chat up, or otherwise interact with the young lady may lead to school authorities charging him with sexual harassment or even assault, with resulting damage to any career aspirations, legal bills, and even a possible stint in the hoosegow. My advice is to remove him from the school immediately. Measures such as dosing with saltpeter or castration offer uncertain benefits, and can result in listlessness and weight gain.

Dear Aunt Maisie:
We've been invited to a party at which our Member of the U.S. House of Representatives is expected to appear. How should we address him?
— Excited

Dear E:
The preferred form of address is "You Lying Rat Bastard," although "Hey, Scumbag," "Stinking Parasite," and similar terms are quite satisfactory.

The practice of tarring and feathering has, unfortunately, fallen by the wayside in recent years, thanks in part to the scarcity of the necessary materials. I'm happy to inform you that OK Industries is helping to revive this enjoyable pastime with its DeLuxe Tar and Feather Kit. For only $49.95, the kit includes caldron, brush, enough tar and feathers for three congressmen or two senators, and complete instructions. Refills are only $15.

Dear Aunt Maisie:
Our family just welcomed a beautiful young Golden Retriever into the household. We live in a large suburban house with a quarter-acre back yard for him to run around in, enclosed by a 6-foot wooden fence. We take him on walks once a day, make sure he has plenty of fresh water, and feed him premium kibble from the pet store. At night he sleeps in the laundry room on his own doggy pillow. He's had all his shots. Is there anything else I should be doing to make sure he stays healthy and happy?
— Dog Lover

Dear DL:
One hazard often overlooked is the danger of a visit by your local constabulary. Nowadays, "no-knock entries" are becoming more and more popular with police, and usually the first thing they do after breaking in is to shoot Fido. Even if you pay all your parking tickets immediately, it's wise to take extra precautions, because you never know when they'll come blundering over to your place by mistake.

I recommend the Doggy Flak Suit by OK Industries. Available now for only $109.95, the suit is guaranteed to protect your pooch's head and body from bullets fired by any of the weapons commonly used by police. In addition, it incorporates a detachable muzzle to prevent your darling from munching on the neighbors, and appropriate orifices and a patented "Pooper Catcher" for walkies. A Velcro-secured panel on top of the head allows scratching behind the ears during those special moments with your pet.

Dear Aunt Maisie:
Our 16-year-old daughter has been sneaking around with an older boy from the "wrong side of the tracks." She refuses to listen to us. What should we do?
— Troubled Father

Dear TF:
While physically restraining your child by handcuffing or otherwise tethering her to the furniture may seem the easiest thing to do, it is a risky proposition in today's cultural climate. Some nosy neighbor is sure to turn you in to the authorities, with resulting visits from social workers, police, and other horrors.

Much more feasible is the New Generation Chastity Belt from OK Industries, for only $199.99. Made of lightweight Kevlar, it is comfortable to wear but even stronger than steel. The need to unlock the belt in order to perform certain necessary functions also serves to encourage the young lady to remain close to home.

Also, may I point out that any man who does not own and know how to operate a medium-to-large caliber shotgun has no business having a teen-aged daughter? Loaded with low-powered shells filled with birdshot or rock salt, such a weapon can serve as a powerful disincentive to young prowling males without causing permanent damage. Often, firing once in the air is sufficient to discourage unwanted attentions.  Ω

Ask Aunt Maisie
is sponsored by OK Industries, Inc., 357 Possum Run, Booth's Refuge, Oklahoma, and its wide family of products.

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© 2011 by David Wright. All rights reserved.

Ask Aunt Maisie was published originally by WTM Enterprises, Roanoke, Indiana, at The Last Ditch website.

© 2011 Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation